The Art of Parenting Without Regrets

I think all parents can agree that parenting isn’t an easy job. If it were, there probably wouldn’t be thousands of books written on the topic.

And with so many books, theories, and ideas about how to be a good parent— how can an average parent like myself hope to do the job well? 

What are the odds of me nailing it the first time through without a Master’s degree in parenting (or at least in conflict management)?

A simple tactic for thinking about complex problems

For situations like this, where the subject matter is hopelessly complex, I like to apply a simple framework to my thinking: I call it “thinking in reverse.”

Instead of asking, “what can I do to be a great parent?” I’ll flip the problem on it’s head and ask something like, “what are likely to be my biggest regrets as a parent?”

There are 2 benefits to this approach:

• For most complex endeavors there are a thousand ways to be successful, but only a few ways to fail. Recognizing these common pitfalls brings clarity to what matters and gives you freedom to be yourself for everything else.

• Another benefit I’ve found in thinking about regrets first is that it subtly shifts me into a long-term mindset. Thinking about future regrets makes you think about what your future self will value, and those are often a deeper, richer set of values than what you might be pursuing in the present.

The future regret I hope to avoid

When I began to think about future regrets I might have as a parent, one stood out to me above all the others.

I knew that if this regret came to pass, it would have been something largely within my control to prevent.

And I could also imagine the impact that it would have in my life and in my children’s life.

The biggest future regret I can imagine is not connecting personally with my children every day.

Not only does connecting with each of my children make each day brighter, it sets the foundation for a life-long friendship. What better gift could I give to my future self than a handful of younger friends who know me and share a lifetime of happy memories?

Connecting with my children is also a gift for them. If our moments of connection grow into a relationship it earns me permission to speak into their lives and share my values with them. I think it is a gift to receive these things from someone who knows you and loves you rather than having to look for them yourself in the big wide world.

Below, I’ll share a few of my favorite ways to connect with my children at their current ages. Writing down this list has helped to reinforce the habit and it’s something I highly recommend for anyone trying to parent without regrets.

Ways I enjoy connecting with my children (at their current ages)

1. After a timeout, I love to sit with our kids and have a gentle conversation that ends with a hug.

2. When my kids give me a drawing or a card as a gift, I look at it intently and describe everything I see to acknowledge their work and all the detail that went into it.

3. Coming up with silly songs using nonsense words that rhyme seems to be a real crowd-pleaser for the 3-5 year old crowd.

4. My kids love “playing rough” which usually involves rolling around on the living room floor or me acting like a horse or a puppy. I try to be in the mood for this as often as possible because we all enjoy the physical touch of someone you love.

5. Every morning I read a story to my kids from their children’s bible while they are eating breakfast. If I skip a single morning I know I will hear about it!

6. At night, just before bed, we love to get close together and read a few picture books or a chapter from a longer book.

7. Every month I take one of our children on a date. We both enjoy the anticipation leading up to the day and I am intentional about making plans they will love.

8. Kids are more excitable than adults by nature, but sometimes I try to match their enthusiasm about something they enjoy like a cup of hot cocoa. The more over-the-top I am, the more fun we have!

9. Big family memories like vacations are great anchor points for a family. I make a special point to enjoy the anticipation with our kids and then reminisce for a long-time afterwards to wring all of the pleasure out of these memories as possible.

10. Like many kids, our children have a hard time going to bed. They stall for as long as they can. But sometimes, I’ll surprise them by being the one that won’t let them go. I’ll give them an extra long hug and just won’t let go.

11. Sometimes when I pass my children in the house I’ll just stop and give them a long smile. Usually this ends in giggles. Kids love being seen by adults.

12. One of my favorite things to do is to give grace when my kids know they have earned a consequence. The curious smile that grows on their face and the lesson this imparts are great gifts for both of us.

Of course, I know that how my children turn out is something beyond my control. I can only do the role that I was put on this earth to do and trust for the rest. But I sleep easier at night knowing that I am doing my best and parenting in a way that will minimize my future regrets and maximize my chance for life-long friendships with my children.