Stress Is a Choice: Here’s How to Choose Calm

In life, there will be some painful realities we simply must face. The anguish of losing a loved one, the suffering of chronic pain, or the uncertainty of losing a job are just a few.

The only way around these challenges is through them— ideally with the love and support of a close friend.

But there are many inconveniences and frustrations that we put up with, never realizing we actually have a choice in the matter.

We live as if these things “just happen” to us, but in fact, we make choices everyday that reinforce their occurrence, and fan the flames of their power.

The vast majority of stress I’ve experienced in my life, and perhaps your life, too, falls into this category. 

It might not be easy, and the results may not be instantaneous (we must, of course, contend with the momentum we’ve built in the wrong direction), but our choices make a real difference.

If stress is keeping you from enjoying your life, then you might be encouraged to hear that a calmer path may be within your reach.

From years of observation and experimentation, here are the 10 pieces of advice that have most helped me to reduce stress.

10 Tips to Reduce Stress (and Choose Calm)

Be obsessively single-minded. Life was meant to be lived one moment at a time. We can almost always handle the present moment with ease. It’s only when we try to carry the weight of the current task and the next one, along with the uncertainty of a future outcome that the load becomes stressful. 

Recalibrate your expectations. Much of our stress is because the world (or people) aren’t the way we want them to be. What’s easier— to get the world to change, or simply to change what you expect? That doesn’t mean you can’t work towards a better future, only that you accept the current reality as a starting point.

Embrace the inherent uncertainty of life. The more you try to control life, the more you realize how fragile your control really is. We don’t know what the future holds and we often can’t tell with much certainty which choice will be better. Instead of fighting this reality, I’ve learned to come to terms with it, and even to see it as an ingredient for adventure.

Build an identity that isn’t as fragile as glass. Do you see yourself as a high-achiever— maybe smarter and more successful than the “average” person? Be careful! When you build your sense of self in that way, you’ll resent and fear anything which threatens that identity.

Strictly limit whose opinions you care about. One load we don’t need to carry is the weight of everyone’s expectations. You simply can’t please everyone, or be at your best every second of the day. One way I push against this, while trying to stay humble, is by limiting my concern to those who really know me.

Don’t let your emotional fuel tank run empty. When I’m over-tired, hungry, and haven’t had any time to enjoy life’s simple pleasures, I’m much more likely to experience life’s daily challenges as stressful. But by keeping my emotional tank filled and my energy levels topped off, I feel that my tolerance for frustration is much higher across the board. 

Cut out rumination at the first sign. Excessive thinking and worrying about a topic is a sure path to stress. Sometimes the stress leads to rumination, but for me, it’s just as often the other way around. While it’s not easy to redirect your thoughts, it is possible with consistent effort. Don’t just tell yourself to stop thinking about something, instead distract yourself with another activity that demands your full attention. 

Make progress in key areas a priority. Most of my stress occurs when I feel stuck and stalled out for long periods of time. By then my lack of progress is mixed with guilt and frustration for not getting back on track sooner. The solution is hard, but simple: don’t let a day go by when you aren’t making progress in the areas that matter most to you. No matter how imperfect or small that progress may be, it will go a long way in holding the stress at bay.

Don’t let yourself get addicted to comfort. Another stressor in life is the fear of losing something you can’t imagine living without. Are you addicted to comfort and ease? Then, of course, you’ll feel stressed by anything that might keep you from your pleasures. A healthy way to counterbalance this effect is by regularly doing hard things in order to remind yourself of what you’re capable of. 

Allow a friend to share your burdens. I have consistently experienced that sharing my stress with someone who cares about me lightens the load. I can’t explain this except that getting my thoughts outside of my own head helps to give me a new, and better perspective on the matter. And sometimes that’s all I need.