A Playbook for Dealing with Life’s Frustrating Moments

I was angry enough to rip the closet doors off the wall and smash them to pieces with a hammer. 

Rewind about 2 hours and my wife kindly asked if I could fix the kids’ sliding closet doors which had been falling off their tracks for several months. I had been strategically “prioritizing” other projects to avoid this one, but was officially out of excuses.

After driving to the hardware store, losing a nut in the parking lot, and then fiddling with the closet doors for an hour, I had made essentially zero progress. In fact, I may have made things worse. I could feel frustration and tension building in my whole body with each failed attempt.

Afterwards, as I ate my lunch, I continued to stew in my frustration and act like a grump towards my family. 

Why did I let something so trivial, in the grand scheme of my blessed life, get me so upset? 

Finding the Source of Frustration

When you notice yourself getting frustrated, it’s a good time to reflect and observe what’s going on inside of you. Strong emotional reactions are a clue as to what you value most— but I’ll warn you that you might not always like what you see.

When you’ve cooled off enough to do some self-reflection, ask yourself this question: What stories or inner dialogues was I telling myself that caused me to be so frustrated? 

Here are some stories I was telling myself as I labored in vain:

• You’re not even competent enough to fix a sliding door.
• You’ll probably have to spend hundreds of dollars to hire someone to fix this.
• You’ve wasted 2 hours of time that you’ll never get back.

This little exercise has made it clear to me that I highly value my sense of personal competence, my money, and my time— so much so, that the thought of having less of any of them was enough to ruin my mood and boil in anger.

This is not a proud fact for me. I had certainly hoped by now that in my efforts to mature in character, I would have grown beyond such things as the source of my daily happiness. But we are all a work in progress.

The Myth of a Hassle-Free Life

Frustration isn’t necessarily bad, as it’s a sign that you really care about a particular outcome. The trouble is when frustration leads to discouragement, or when you are getting frustrated about things that aren’t truly important.

For me, this bout of frustration was a wake up call that I have become too protective of my time and money and my identity as someone who never struggles. But to what purpose? When we cling tightly to our time and money, does it really improve our daily lives? Does it make us into better people? Never that I’ve seen.

And when I allow my ego to become so fragile that every struggle is an embarrassment, what is the result? I think it causes me to play it safe, and stick with only what I’m good at, instead of doing hard things that might be important. It also causes me to hide the weak parts of myself from others.

You can see why these aren’t values that I want ruling my life.

Reassessing Priorities

In light of learning about myself through this episode of frustration, I decided to take some time and write down some of the values that I’d like to be driven by instead of my ego and an overly-strong desire to protect my time and money.

Patience. Able to deal with obstacles or uncertainty with a calm and stress-free attitude.

Optimism. Confident that some solution will eventually reveal itself if you keep at it.

Relationships. Not allowing my inner struggles to distract me from loving others.  

Light-heartedness. Not taking myself so seriously that every failure is a threat to my identity.

Gratitude. Appreciating what is good in my life, rather than focusing on current problems.

When I’m guided by these values, I know that it will lead me to becoming more of the person I want to become. My frustrations will be fewer, and when they come, they will be a useful gauge that my life is not in alignment with the things that really matter.

Transforming Frustration into Reflection

An intentional life is one where nothing is wasted, not even the moments you’d rather forget. In fact, there is often far more to learn from your failures and struggles than your successes.

Let me recap what to do when you find yourself angry or frustrated because of one of life’s curveballs:

• First, ask yourself what stories or inner dialogues are driving your frustration (remember: there’s always a “why” behind your anger— something important that is being threatened).
• Then, ask yourself if these values are worthy of guiding your actions and being the motive behind your actions.
• Finally, write down the list of attributes and character traits that you’d rather guide you in those moments of struggle.