Letting Go of Imaginary Needs

Live simply, like a child.

An infant needs very little to be happy. Clothes, food, love, and a place to explore, that’s it. 

They have so few needs. And yet, they’re so happy. Or when they’re not happy, it’s usually because one of their few needs are not being met.

As these toddlers grow up, their needs multiply faster than the hairs on their head.

But many of these needs are made up.

We invent them to address fears, insecurities, and worries about the future.

Worst of all, these needs are insatiable. We buy more stuff, but don’t come any closer to satisfaction. We invest more of our precious time, but end up further from the destination. We work harder to find happiness, but instead, we carry an enormous burden.

Sadly, most people can’t recognize imaginary needs in their own life. The sheer number and influence of these ‘needs’ makes them appear so real. They weave their way into our subconscious and shape the way we see the world.

Take a close, hard look. Have any of these imaginary needs become a part of your life?

• the need to keep busy
• the need to please everyone
• the need to be entertained constantly
• the need to stay current with news and trends
• the need to buy gifts for everyone, on every special occasion
• the need to hoard money and possessions to feel secure
• the need to be involved in every single activity
• the need to be the center of attention
• the need to be perfect or the best
• the need to have all the answers
• the need to control the future
• the need to impress others
• the need to be right

Letting go isn’t easy, it can be painful, humbling, and even scary. Our habits, both positive and negative, are comforting to us. They provide a source of predictability in a chaotic, confusing world.

But letting go is awesomely liberating. Like a child on the last day of school, you’ll be light as a feather, happy, and free to do whatever excites you. Children aren’t weighed down by pressure to impress, prepare, or perform. They simply live, keeping their needs few and their joys many.

A short, but useful guide to letting go of imaginary needs:

1. Simplify your routines. The default for all of us is to keep adding more and more to our lives. We’re constantly searching for that one thing to fill a void we are feeling in a particular moment or season. And so our list of things that we “need” to do each day becomes longer and more complicated. Start by creating a simple morning and evening routine. Include only what is absolutely needed or good for your soul.
2. Strip away the non-essential. Now, as you go throughout your day, pay attention to where your mental energy is going. Make a list of all the things that you do and think about. It might take a few days or even a week to gather a full list. Now take that list and recreate it into two columns. Things that are truly necessary and good in one column, and things that are non-essential or distracting from what is good in another. Now try living a week with only what you wrote down  in the first column.
3. Sit with your boredom. If you attempt this new way of living, you will inevitably find more time on your hands. Time that you used to spend on distraction, worry, or some other invented need. You will inevitably feel a bit of boredom. This will feel scary and uncomfortable but it’s a normal part of the adaptation process. Just like when you first start exercising after a long break, your body feels awkward and uncomfortable and it’s hard to imagine doing this to yourself everyday. But if you stick with it, you will eventually find enjoyment again.
4. Sit with your emotions. On top of boredom, you will likely feel all sorts of other difficult emotions. I’m telling you this so you won’t be surprised and think something is wrong or that you should throw in the towel. I promise that the other side of this transformation is worth it. The truth is that you’ve been using imaginary needs to fill voids in your life or to hide from these emotions or not deal with important things— so in a sense we are ripping open a bandage. 
5. Allow your “taste” to adjust. Imagine you’ve been living on a high-salt, high-fat, high-sugar diet and someone says to you that you need to start eating more healthy and finding pleasure in a high-fiber, plant-based diet. Sounds impossible, right? Probably is. Your tastes have gotten so used to a diet of foods that are unnaturally stimulating and perfectly optimized for pleasure. Even a satisfying and delicious balanced diet would probably taste bland to you at first. But believe me, there’s hope. You can adjust and develop new “tastes” way faster than you can imagine. Once you’ve stripped out the junk food (in our case… imaginary needs) for a while and given your taste buds (and brain) a chance to readjust, you’ll need less and less to pull the lever of contentment and enjoyment in your life.
6. Fill your life with what matters. Now for the fun part. With your life simplified and not overwhelmed by imaginary needs, you are able to find pleasure and enjoyment in life’s simple pleasures again. You don’t need the high stimulation that you get from distraction or worry or attention or daydreaming to get you through life. You can fill it with what is truly meaningful and important: relationships, faith, meaningful work, good food, and play.

What are the imaginary needs in your own life?