How to Deal with Self-Doubt

Any description of human behavior should have something to say about the complicated relationship we have with our emotions.

I am someone who longs to be rational and well-reasoned in most of what I do, but upon reflection, I can see how frequently my life is instead steered by emotion. This shouldn’t come as a surprise: decades of research concludes that human decision making is complex and not easily explained by a single model.

Those two forces—rationality and emotion—seem to both cooperate and compete inside me. What’s to be done when one of them grabs the upper hand and throws my whole being out of balance?

There are, for example, stretches of life when I’m going along and happily pursuing my goals, when all of a sudden I am incapacited by self-doubt.

Just a single thought, criticism, or struggle and the plans which seemed so clear to me yesterday become tangled up in a fog of doubt.

Not only have I experienced this myself, but I have watched people I love struggle through the aftermath of uncertainty. What follows are my thoughts to share with those going through such a phase. Food for thought, from one traveler to another.

Tips for Seasons of Uncertainty

Pause to see the bigger picture. When strong emotions take root in my heart, I like to remind myself that what I feel in this moment is likely not in proportion to reality. Emotions, even when they are speaking some truth, are amplifying a message. This is how they get our attention. 

As important as it is to take heed, it is wise to pause and consider how this message fits in with everything else you know to be true. Be careful not to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater— things are rarely as bad as they feel.

Talk with a friend you trust. One way to find a fresh point of view is to speak with a friend who really knows you. Pour out your feelings and ask them to help you think through your doubts from a calmer, less emotional angle. They can also guide you in the extent to which your doubts should be heeded, and share a larger perspective on what that means for your life.

Reevaluate what you want. While our doubts can often expand far out of proportion, they can also point to something true and wise that your rational brain was ignoring. In times of deep self-doubt, it is often wise to stay the course until a cooler mind prevails, but don’t miss the opportunity to see if you are heading down the wrong path for you. 

Maybe you are doing something because you think you “should” be doing or your actions and values were not in alignment. Your emotions can sometimes alert you of these tensions before your reason arrives at the same conclusion.

Make a small bit of progress. While experiencing emotional turmoil, it’s easy to let go of everything else and live in your head. One thing I’ve learned from my wife is that in the midst of our feelings of inadequacy, it can be emotionally healing to simply make progress— especially in an area where you feel competent. This gently restores our “locus of control” and the feeling that we can shape our life and our environment. 

Play the long game. There is a temptation in the midst of self-doubt to grasp for quick solutions— anything to relieve the feeling of inadequacy. But often, if there is any truth in our doubts, the solution will require a long-term fix. In these moments, I like to ask myself who do I want to be three, five, or ten years from now, and what would it take to move me in that direction.

Journal your thoughts. One of the greatest challenges of managing our emotional thoughts is their tendency to get stuck in a loop in our brain. These perceptions, like self-doubt, tend to be strong but vague. They make a powerful impression, but when spoken out loud, they don’t always carry the same force. I have often found that writing out my thoughts is a good way to tame my emotions and transform them into something more helpful.

To experience the tension of our rational selves and our emotional selves is not a flaw to be overcome, but is, in fact, at the very heart of being human.

Rationality grounds us in reality and sound decision-making, but emotions add richness and meaning to our lives. Neither is an aspect of ourselves to be ashamed of, but  rather to be understood, appreciated, and ultimately harnessed for the good life that we seek.