13 Tips for Better Conversation

I consider good conversation to be a real contender for life’s greatest pleasure. Unfortunately, the art of carrying on a great conversation is not something that comes naturally to many of us.

Despite this, I’ve been fortunate to enjoy some great conversation partners over the past decade. This is mostly because I’m drawn to good conversationalists and try to squeeze myself into their worlds. And over time, I’ve grown a lot by trying to emulate and learn from their ways— and figure out what works for me personally.

In some social situations I still occasionally feel like a fish out of water. I find it hard, for example, when I’m the outsider among a more established group of friends. But in most small group settings, I consider myself an above average conversationalist, or at the very least, someone who cares about the craft a little more than others. 

Great conversation is a pleasure for all parties. The act of elevating your own conversational skills is one very concrete way of loving those around you. People are happier and healthier when they connect socially, and a little bit of effort goes a long way in making those bonds deeper.

Here are my tips for having better conversations. I hope, at the very least, that they inspire you to take more seriously the life-enriching pursuit of connecting more deeply with the people in your life.

Be curious. The best conversationalists I’ve seen have an intense drive to understand people and ideas. To them, each person is a portal into a different world and a unique set of experiences. Best of all, curiosity is likely to be contagious according to a recent study— meaning your own curiosity encourages others to join the fun.

Be vulnerable. Author, Justin Cronin, says that to know and be known is the final desire, the very heart of love. One of the quickest ways to pierce through shallow conversation is to reveal a vulnerable aspect of your own life and to follow with a question that invites the other person into that tender space.

Signal willingness. For a conversation to take off, both sides must sense a willingness by the other party to commit and be present. Signal that you’re willing to talk through your body language, your eye contact, and your choice of words—what you’re trying to convey is that you are curious and not in a rush.

Share stories. Most people underestimate the power of simple, everyday stories and lean too hard on the “you’re not going to believe this” type of story. In an interview in 2018, Uri Hasson, Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at Princeton, shared his conviction that stories are one the most effective forms of communication. He mentioned a 2010 study of brain scans that demonstrated a strong neural alignment between the storyteller’s brain and the listener’s brain—suggesting a shared emotional experience was taking place.

Fill the silences. Pauses in the conversation that are too long can be awkward, even among close friends. Not everyone will agree with this, but except in settings where you are doing some activity together besides talking, I think it’s good to keep the conversation from sputtering out. There is no one tip for getting better at this, but it is something anyone can improve with intentional effort.

Read the room. Good conversationalists do not force conversation on others. In the beginning of a conversation, as I’m feeling out the type of encounter the other person is open to having, I try to introduce topics so that there’s both an easy on-ramp for going deeper, and an easy off-ramp if the other person isn’t interested. 

Put out something to eat and drink. Awkward silences aren’t always the result of boredom, sometimes neither side has a knack for transitioning to a new topic before the old one has died out. There is a wonderful solution for this problem: put out food and drinks. This allows pauses to feel more natural and for light-hearted small talk about the food/drink selection to gently fill in the gaps.

Learn how to interrupt with grace. It’s common advice to never interrupt a person who is talking. Maybe that advice is helpful in a few settings, but I find that it doesn’t lend itself to very lively or fun discussions. A good conversation is dynamic with lively exchanges rather than two people exchanging monologues with each other. The best interruptions don’t steal the show, but rather egg the speaker on by showing that you are excited and tracking closely. Among the closest of friends, you might even take the floor to make a side point, only to turn the floor right back over. 

Demonstrate credibility that you are listening. I feel like one of my gifts is being able to get people to talk. It’s not rocket science or a psychological trick that I employ, but simply the fact that I listen intently, without judgment. A study in 2014, published in the International Journal of Listening, reported that participants who had received active listening felt both more understood and more satisfied with their conversation. When people sense that you are genuinely interested in them, the floodgates of conversation come open.

Embrace rabbit trails. Too many conversations, in my opinion, struggle along or putter out because new, exciting tangents are not pursued aggressively enough. Obviously, if the energy is still high around a certain topic, keep going with it. But when things slow down, or an intriguing digression comes to mind—don’t be afraid to explore it. At the very least, frame the thought as a quick aside, and see how your conversation partner responds. Great conversations take you places you never expected—but you have to let them run.

Be unpredictable. It goes without saying that a good conversation is not boring. But what makes something boring? Too much predictability. The best conversationalists say things you don’t expect them to say and have ideas you don’t expect them to have. Part of this is simply being an interesting human being, which is not something you can fake. But the other part is about delivery. Don’t just state an opinion—make a bold claim and see if you can back it up. Don’t just ask a question—probe your subject like a detective, and try to get to the very heart of the matter.

Find what you have in common, and build from there. If it’s not clear by now, good conversation is an art, not a science. There are few hard and fast rules. But generally speaking, the most mutually satisfying conversations are built on a foundation of common interests and experiences. When I know I’ll be spending significant time with someone, I will often review these commonalities in my mind to prime the conversational flow. 

Don’t be afraid to mix moods. Some conversations are going to be serious, right from the start. And others will be mostly light-hearted. But here’s an interesting pattern I’ve observed: the deepest laughter and the most serious talks are often mixed together. There is something about genuine human connection that frees us to express the fullest range of our emotions. I believe this is good for the soul and should be encouraged.