How to Love a Human

Why love?

To ask why you should love another human might be one of those questions where the answer is either self-evident, or else no amount of reasoning in the world will convince you. We are social creatures. We desire to be known, to be intimate, to be appreciated and enjoyed. On top of that, it’s pretty much the unanimous consensus of all human philosophy and art that love is the pinnacle of human flourishing. In short, love can fill our lives with meaning and great pleasure… why not love?

Do we really need advice on how to love?

I think love is both a feeling and an act of the will. It starts with a strong desire for someone’s well-being and a fondness for who they are. But real love desires permanence and so requires a commitment to work for another’s good and to fan the flames of affection over the long haul. I’m talking about all kinds of human love here, not just romantic love.

The commitment part of love is fairly straightforward: Don’t give up. Stick it out. Hang in there.

But how do you fan the flames of affection for another person? Like anything in life, I think we get better through intentional practice. Sometimes it helps to think deeply about the many ways that love expresses itself. That’s the goal of this post… to remind myself of practical ways to love those in my life, so that I can put them into practice. The practicing should help to shape my affections and spur me on towards commitment, even when the feelings aren’t so strong.

What makes me qualified to write on love?

For me, this is the hard part about blogging. I have zero desire to parade myself as an expert. I’m just a guy who thinks about a lot of things and feels strangely compelled to write and share them. I’ve also benefited from the work of many “amateur” writers who were simply trying to share from their experience… and so I’ll humbly toss my voice into the mix.

Reminders to my future self

For as long as I can remember, I’ve written lists like this one as a way to help me to think more clearly about things that were on my mind. This list isn’t for you, exactly, it’s more for me. It’s a reminder to my future self to work on these things because I think they’re important. Some of them I’m better at than others, but most of them are not my default state. It takes intentionality.

If you think about how much time and effort we put into trying to analyze, study, and practice new skills at work or in our hobbies, it only makes sense that we’d do the same for one of life’s most important skills… the art of loving a human. 

11 Ways to Love a Human…

👉 Be as patient as humanly possible. I’ve come to see impatience as the ultimate lose-lose mentality. It strains relationships, makes everyone less happy, and leaves me with regret.

👉 Assume the best motive. What if I chose to assume the best possible motive when something bad, annoying, or frustrating happens? Wouldn’t I want to be treated that way? 

👉 Perform random acts of kindness. With one simple act of kindness I have the ability to change the trajectory of someone’s day.

👉 Be a conversational giver. Look for ways put other people at ease, to draw others into conversation, and to be fully present.

👉 Show genuine interest. Like a detective, make it your mission to find at least one thing that is interesting about everyone you talk to.

👉 Remember they could be gone. Remind yourself regularly that the people you love could be gone tomorrow, and then get back to enjoying them today with a renewed sense of urgency. 

👉 Allow strong emotions. When someone comes to you with a strong emotion (fear, anger, sadness), your primary role is to listen and create a safe space to share.

👉 Enjoy friendship for its own sake. Delight is at the very heart of love. Nothing shows someone how valuable they are more than thoughtfully and intentionally enjoying them for who they are.

👉 Don’t let yourself be easily offended. If someone you love offends you, resolve to live as if the slight had never happened. You will never regret extending grace.

👉 Give the gift of your attention. When another human seeks your attention, give it wholeheartedly and single-mindedly or not at all. They will see that you take their presence seriously.

👉 Don’t complain. Once you decide to do something, either because you have to or want to, resolve to carry out the task cheerfully and without complaint.