10 Things That Seemed Important at 25 But Mean Nothing at 40

I’ll be turning 40 soon, and the event has me very reflective about life. In many ways, I still feel like a young man, but it’s clear that I’ve lived to see the full arc of a few seasons of life.

I’m old enough to have certain regrets, and also proud of some choices I stuck with when I could have easily given up.

One of the unexpected benefits of getting older, I believe, is how much clearer life feels. When I was younger, everything seemed equally important, but equally distant. And now, at the age of 40, I see more clearly that some pursuits lead to flourishing, while others are dead ends.

I suppose some people have always known these things—I’ve always learned by doing. I have to test the boundaries of the sandbox I’m playing in, and only then does the lesson get absorbed and internalized.

Depending on your age, this list might serve as a meaningful reflection, a helpful warning, or a reminder of the things that actually matter. Wherever you are in your journey, I wish you wisdom and discernment to make the most of what you have left.

Relationships that don’t go very deep

I’m not saying you have to have only close friends, because casual friends can be nice, too. I’m saying that friendships with depth are life-giving in a way that surface-level friendships are not. It takes time and energy to make those connections and some of them have to be started when you’re young. Don’t waste that time.

Whether everyone knows how smart you are

When I was younger, I wanted to maximize every opportunity to impress others with my feedback, my knowledge, and my insight. How could any of that have been as important as being known as a kind, generous, encouraging, and faithful person? You can still love what you do without looting for the spotlight.

Being on top of every trend

In the age of the internet, there are some people who seemingly spend all their time trying to anticipate what’s going to be “the next big thing” so they can get in early. There’s nothing wrong with this as a hobby, except that it’s a never-ending cycle that never leads to a sense of contentment or flourishing. It’s a trap for your mind, and I suggest you steer clear.

Having a perfect, idealized home

Another big priority for me when I was younger was to have the nicest, coziest home I could possibly have. I wanted a specific aesthetic and I worked hard to achieve that. Unfortunately, I realize now that I cared more about style than people. Maybe there’s a way to have it all, but for me, my desire for a beautiful home actually made me more uptight and more controlling than the version of myself I want to be.

Material possessions you thought you needed

This is another area of regret. I spent too much time researching and acquiring certain items that I thought would make me happier. For me, these items were all related to my hobbies, but I’m sure you have your own list. Once I had the items I wanted, I spent more time than I should have protecting them and worrying about them getting damaged. In retrospect, this seems like a waste of a perfectly good life.

Being socially or politically “in the know”

In college and early adulthood, I went through a phase where I wanted to be “in the know” about current events and know more than anyone else. For a time, the pursuit of knowledge (and let’s face it, the quest for status) completely dominated my mind. Eventually, I saw how all-consuming this was, and how it was making me restless and distracted from the people in my real life. Since then, I’ve dialed back my engagement with current events, and life feels a little slower and more stable. That’s a trade-off I’m glad I made.

Maintaining a certain body image

Don’t get me wrong, taking care of your body and your health is important. I still try to exercise every day and start my morning with a long and healthy walk. But there was a time when I wanted to look a certain way and weighed myself down with unnecessary comparisons. All you can do is try to stay healthy, and the rest will work itself out.

Winning every argument or debate

As someone who loves to argue and debate, I would often try to steer conversations to safe grounds where I knew I could “win.” This need to prove myself and my intelligence sometimes came at the expense of warmth and empathy. Of course, it’s important to know where you stand, but, with most people, that conversation can happen slowly over time, and it doesn’t have to be forced. I’ve learned to relax my playful nature and try to just enjoy other’s presence without making everything a competition.

Making everyone you meet like you

This is a big one for me. I’ve always wanted people to like me, and I’m willing to guess you feel that way, too. Over time, I’ve learned that people don’t have to like me for me to still influence them in a positive way. I can still be kind, thoughtful, and considerate without bending over backwards to gain their approval. And when I do this, I experience a kind of freedom that I never had before.

Being an interesting person

Not to be confused with being a good one. When I was younger, I thought that being interesting would earn you a place at the table, and that would open all sorts of doors for you. And while there’s some truth to that, I became more anxious and less happy thinking about how to cultivate this image. It’s far better to be curious in a sincere way than to try to be interesting. All you have to do is follow your natural interests and be yourself and the rest will happen on its own.