1 Question to Defeat Self-Pity

Like anyone, I occasionally fall into the self-pity trap.

And when you’re caught in that trap, it’s kind of embarrassing to ask for help. On top of whatever disappointing thing happened to cause the original negative emotions, now you’re stuck in a self-imposed pity party that you can’t pull yourself out of.

That’s where I was this past week.

After a full day of wallowing, a simple question popped into my head: Is this worth it?

As a minimalist, I pride myself in pruning the non-essentials from my life to make room for what really matters. What is self-pity except emotional clutter we carry around that steals our time and displaces other things we care about? 

The more I thought about it, the sillier it seemed that I was dragging myself through this sorry state when it was mostly within my power to let go. I couldn’t immediately fix the source of my disappointments, but feeling sorry for myself was only keeping me stuck. 

To seal the deal, I wrote down all the ways that self-pity isn’t worth it, and by the end, I had completely convinced myself that it wasn’t… and in doing so, I was able to let go. I’m a firm believer that many (certainly not all) challenges can be transformed with such a shift in perspective. For me, on this day, that came from a simple question: Is this worth it?

Here are 7 answers I came up with to that question— highlighting the many ways in which self-pity simply isn’t worth the time or effort.

It’s a waste of a day. After a day of self-pity, you will have very little to show for the hours that you were awake. Instead of investing in relationships, doing meaningful work, growing in virtue, or being grateful for the good things in your life, you made the choice to throw away those hours and feel sorry for yourself instead.

It doesn’t fix anything. Self-pity is an immature response. Instead of addressing a problem head-on, it retreats from the problem and from the rest of life. And so, when the self-pity finally lifts, you will find yourself exactly where you were when it began. 

It’s not loving to others. One of the trademarks of self-pity is self-absorption. I know that when I’m feeling sorry for myself, I mostly engage with my family in a superficial way and am significantly more prone to distraction and procrastination. All I can think about is myself and my unhappiness, and it is those closest to me that suffer the consequences.

It makes me an unattractive companion. Let’s face it, nobody wants to be around someone who is feeling sorry for themselves. It is not a good look on anyone. And while your closest friends will stick with you through thick and thin, after a while, it does become a strain on the relationship. Don’t exclude yourself from the company of great people and one of life’s greatest joys, simply because you couldn’t get your self-pity habit under control.

It isn’t fun at all. I say this somewhat tongue in cheek, but at least some vices and self-defeating behaviors are fun while you are doing them and it’s only after the fact that you have to pay the consequences. Self-pity, however, is unhappiness all the way down. It only trades the sharp pain of disappointment for the dull ache of restlessness. 

It’s a distorting mode of thought. When you’re feeling sorry for yourself, it’s common to also deal with feelings of inadequacy, loss of self-confidence, and even envy of other people’s good fortune. Unfortunately, these thoughts don’t disappear the moment your self-pity lifts. Your thoughts shape your beliefs which influence your actions. Self-pity sets in motion a train of distorted thoughts that is not easy to stop.

It’s a bad habit to reinforce. One of the dangers of your self-defeating bad habits is that they aren’t isolated events. Giving in to self-pity or procrastination or you name it, only makes it easier the next time. Once the pathway is established, it’s that much easier to slide into that groove in the future. This is exactly why your habits are so powerful in both the positive and negative direction. 

Can Self-Pity Be Stopped with a Single Question?

If you’ve wrestled with self-pity, you know how strong the emotion can feel. And so I understand any skepticism that asking yourself a question is enough to pull yourself out of it. But my experience has shown me that, yes, one question can be enough. 

Self-pity is a reflex that many of us go towards when we’re hurt and feeling powerless. 

But as we’ve seen in the list of reasons above, a clear thinking person would never choose to feel sorry for themselves— it’s not worth it.

The beauty of a question is that it pulls you out of a reflexive state into a reflective one. While habits powerfully shape our lives in the collective, it’s pretty easy to break out from the tracks of a habit with a single act of intention. 

The next time you feel stuck in a state of self-pity, just ask yourself a single question:

Is this worth it?