What Happened When I Let Go of Perfection at Home

What convinced me to let go of perfectionism once and for all was realizing how delusional it was. Deciding that my home had to be perfect somehow implied that it was never good enough. No matter how clean I got it, how well I executed the decor, or how much I did any other number of desirable things— it wouldn’t be enough until this silly, impossible standard was met.

Imagine treating anyone else in your life this way. Your spouse, your kids, your friends, your neighbors, and even strangers would all find this treatment hostile. Perfectionism is an enemy of contentment, and anyone who has wrestled with it knows that it’s true.

The reason we cling to perfection

The reason we cling to perfection in any area of life is because the idea of it is so wonderful. But once you realize that the pursuit of perfectionism in a particular effort is enough to ruin the entire pursuit, perhaps you’ll reconsider as I did. It’s not “perfection” that’s the problem, but thinking that it must be constant or complete. Perfection in crafts or love or joy is something to be cherished when it unexpectedly appears, but never demanded or even chased after. Let it come to you.

When I let go of perfection

When I let go of perfection in my home, I made an important decision in my heart. I decided that the people that I loved and the things that I enjoyed were already good in my home, as they were. I decided that I wanted to do everything in my power to increase their frequency, enjoy them more completely, and do nothing that would chase them away. Let me share some of the practical ways this looks on a daily basis.

I began to measure my progress

I began to measure my progress instead of the gap. I find that perfectionism tunes your mind to look for what’s missing. When you only look at the gap between where you are and where you want to be, you’re training yourself to see the worst of things. Each day you’ll feel as though you’re falling short, because of course we all do. The big improvement I made was to look back on where I came from and celebrate my progress. This is the only way to feel as though you’re growing, as if you may one day get to a place that is “good enough.”

I stopped assuming that things would be easier

I stopped assuming that things would be easier the next day. There’s a tendency among a certain set of people to assume that tomorrow will be easier, so they put things off. In my case, I would find that I wasn’t in the perfect headspace or the perfect mood to do a task and would assume that the next day would be better. This kind of thinking only leads to procrastination, and ultimately a lowering of your self-confidence. If you want to do good work and make progress, you have to work through the mess and imperfection of today, not wait for a friendlier day.

I focused on the basics

I focused on the basics and got those right. Another way that perfectionism manifests itself is by trying to do everything and do it all well. You look around and see all the ways your peers, neighbors, and friends are succeeding and think you should be doing those things too. You try to do it all, and like a general fighting a war on many fronts, you end up spreading your resources too thin. But the truth is that the vast majority of value and happiness in life comes from doing the fundamentals well. The basics, boring as they might seem, are really not boring at all, when done with enough love and excellence.

I began to do things just for fun

I began to do things just for fun and indulged in hobbies. Those with a perfectionist bent often become too serious about life. When their hobby or work gets a bit of attention, they quickly ratchet up the pressure and turn it into a side hustle. I realized I was doing this when I began to think of hobbies as a waste of time, unless I was somehow adding value to others or making them money. But this is a recipe for burnout. To keep your passion and curiosity alive, you also have to make time to do things just for fun.

I tried to look on the bright side

I tried to look on the bright side of every situation. Another manifestation of perfectionism is to see the world in “oughts.” Things ought to be this way or that way. The problem with this approach is that it blinds you to how things are. And maybe even how good things are. It took me a long time to realize how much I was unintentionally filling myself with a low-grade dissatisfaction for my life and my work. I was always wishing things were better, but failing to see that I had it pretty good already.

I decided to be a little more spontaneous

I decided to be a little more spontaneous with my goals. For quite some time now, I had adopted a methodology of setting long-term goals and breaking them down into actionable steps. This worked by many definitions of what it means to work. I was more productive and I got more done. But in the vast sea of things that aren’t measured in your life, the things that make life worth living— I was far worse off. I decided to let go of my need to control it all, and trust that by being more present each day, I would naturally drift towards what needed to be done.

I stopped trying to control everyone

I stopped trying to control everyone around me. Because perfectionists are dissatisfied with things as they are, they are often frustrated by the imperfections of other people too. This is a terrible state to live in as a friend, a spouse, a parent, or a child. And the worst part is that once you fall into the trap of thinking that people ought to be different than they are, you make it nearly impossible to love those people as they are. You’re always passing judgement, always keeping score. Letting go of perfection at home has been, for me, a daily practice of accepting people as they are and realizing how wonderful they are.

I did what was easy

I did what was easy, and stayed away from the hard, thankless jobs. I realized that I needed some real wins in my life in order to boost my confidence and raise my motivation levels. Perfectionism had taken a lot of that away, as I was constantly focusing on the gap, or the too-high standards I had for myself. To rebuild from that place, I took the counterintuitive approach of doing the easy things first. I made a point to start my day with low-hanging fruit and get to the important stuff later, when I felt good about my progress.

I made time to connect with friends

I made time to connect with friends and people that made me happy. There’s something about connecting with other people that puts things in perspective. In my case, I was friends with a group of people who didn’t spend their time worrying about every little detail like I did. They teased me gently for some of my perfectionist ways, and somehow that lightened my spirit and made me feel less of a burden about it. It was a huge reminder to me that being around other people that you like is an important part of a healthy life.

I started doing everything in a low-stakes environment

I started doing everything in a low-stakes environment first. One of the unhelpful habits I fell into was requiring myself to have a nearly perfect plan before I would start anything. I wanted it all figured out in advance. I thought this would allow me to jump right in and make fast progress. But instead, it was a trap that kept me from starting, as I never felt my plans were good enough, and was always tweaking them in hopes of saving time. But there’s no better way to learn and make progress than by doing, and failing along the way. I began to take this approach, in a low-stakes environment first, and it helped me break free of this aspect of perfectionism.

I realized that good enough was good enough

I realized that good enough was good enough. At the end of the day, the most important thing I realized was that having a good attitude when things didn’t go my way was the most important thing you can do. And that goes for everything I learned in my battle against perfectionism. A common theme is that, to my own detriment, I was requiring far too many things to be exactly the way I wanted it. I was trying to fight against the natural forces of entropy and the messiness of life. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you’ll find peace and even joy again.