Note: This is a guest post by Chris Loper of Becoming Better
Ten years ago, I’d finally had enough. After nearly 12 years of constant marijuana use and occasional binge drinking, something finally clicked in my brain. I resolved to be clean and sober for the rest of my life.
Now, a decade into “the rest of my life,” I’d like to share some ideas that I’ve discovered during that time.
(Note: You don’t have to be an addict to benefit from these insights.)
1. Life doesn’t need enhancement.
When I started drinking and smoking weed, I learned that many things were “better” under the influence. Parties and concerts were more fun if I was drunk. Art and nature were more interesting if I was high.
I operated under the belief that everything needed to be enhanced with drugs – the delusion that life itself wasn’t good enough without chemical enhancement.
This is, of course, absurd. Think of how children just enjoy things.
Think of how you, as a child, just enjoyed the world. How much fun you had playing with your friends. How thrilled you were by new experiences. How much joy you felt on special occasions.
We’re all incredibly lucky just to be alive. The world is an amazing, beautiful place. And fun things are plenty fun on their own – no enhancement required.
2. Face the problem; fix the problem.
At first, when I used drugs, it was just for fun. Later, as problems in my life stacked up, I used drugs to numb my pain and distract from my troubles. But avoiding your problems makes you feel even less capable of handling them, making you less likely to fix them in the future.
It’s a downward spiral:
When I got clean, I was immediately forced to face my problems head on. And, frankly, it sucked. But, left with no other choice, I began to solve them. My life has improved dramatically as a result.
3. Everything is easier when you’re not inebriated (or hungover).
It’s funny how obvious this is in hindsight.
It’s probably obvious to you if you’re not an addict.
But when you’ve been inebriated so often for so long, you genuinely forget what it’s like to not struggle with basic things, like organization, focus, and planning for the future.
4. Purpose beats pleasure.
Pleasure is tempting, of course, but the happiness it grants is fleeting. We get far more lasting satisfaction from doing work that matters and doing it in such a way that we get into flow.
You want pleasure, but you also want to feel proud of yourself at the end of the day. Remember to ask yourself, “Which do I want more?”
5. Self-discipline leads to self-confidence.
Confidence comes from self-efficacy – your belief in your ability to handle challenges and be effective in the world.
And while you can (and should) increase your self-efficacy by learning new skills and mastering new tools, the deepest kind of confidence comes from cultivating the self-discipline to do whatever you need to do, regardless of how you feel.
In other words, developing and using willpower is the best way to feel powerful.
6. Quietly leading by example is the most powerful way to influence other people.
How many people have I helped quit or reduce their drug use? It’s hard to say, but there are several I know of for sure, and none were helped by directly intervening or giving unwanted advice. Just seeing me living well was enough.
When I was struggling with addiction, I was encouraged and inspired by friends and family who were sober. They never said anything to me about it. Their example was enough.
7. I’m in no position to judge.
Remember how bad you were?
It’s easy to forget. But when you see other people making poor choices, staying stuck in bad habits they know they need to quit, and avoiding the hard work of becoming better, remember that you used to do the same.
In fact, you used to be worse.
8. You don’t have to be ashamed of your past mistakes.
You can laugh at them; you can laugh at yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for what you did in the past. Just be better.
9. Shame dies in the light of day.
“Don’t be ashamed of yourself” is a lot easier said than done. The thing that really defeated my shame was also the hardest thing about getting sober: telling my family and friends that I was an addict.
Shame, it turns out, is a filthy liar. It tells you that the people who care most about you will reject you once they know the truth. It tells you that you’re not worthy of love and acceptance.
But what really happened when I came out with the truth?
I was hugged. I was loved. I was given the support I desperately needed.
10. It’s never too late, but don’t wait.
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been on the wrong path. You can change because your brain is designed to change.
But the fact that it’s never too late to change is not an excuse to keep putting it off. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.
Of course you have reasons to wait. You always will. But what reasons do you have to stop delaying? How much better will your life be in the long run if you make it happen today?
P.S. If you’re struggling with addiction, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to go it alone. I relied heavily on social support and accountability in the early days of my sobriety. Send me an email to let me know what’s going on, and I’ll reply with some ideas that might help.
About the Author
Chris Loper helps busy adults establish better habits, so they can live extraordinary lives. He is the creator of BecomingBetter.org and the author of a humorous memoir titled Wood Floats and Other Brilliant Observations. Chris also writes about learning for parents and students for Northwest Educational Services, and he is the co-creator of Parenting for Academic Success. Chris’s latest project, Smart College Habits, combines academic and habit coaching to help students thrive in college. He lives in Issaquah, WA with his wife Christina and cat Benny.
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